Philosophia Scientiae

“Ahem,” the white lab coat-wearing spokesman cleared his throat. “Now,” he said, “I think it’s quite clear we have a major problem on our hands. Many of you know what I’m talking about. But, for the sake of those few who may not be aware of the dangers ahead, I’ve prepared some very specific points to clarify the matter(s).” The spokesman, who stood behind a podium with a microphone mounted upon it, shifted a little as he turned to the next page in the pile of computer paper upon said podium.

“You see,” he continued, “There is a great risk of the situation deteriorating, and rapidly. The situation I speak of, of course, is the environment of Earth’s primary satellite. Now, to understand the situation fully you would need many years training in the scientific fields—any of them would do—but since you, presumably, do not have this, you will have to take my—excuse me, ‘our,’ as in the consensus of this panel—word for it.

“To begin, there is the rather drastic condition of life upon ‘the moon,’ as it is so commonly called. For—it may shock you—we know there is life upon ‘the moon.’ Surely you have heard of the ‘colonists,’ if not I’m afraid there is little chance of persuading you…” There was laughter in the press room.

“Regardless, it is pertinent to point out that if there is some life, why is it so strange to believe there is other life?” Heads bobbed up and down in assent among the audience. “I think it is clear, at least, that there are living organisms inhabiting this planet’s primary satellite… if anyone disagrees, let him speak.” None of the reporters so much as raised a hand to question the statement.

“Moving on,” he persisted, “from that we can also conclude many things. First and foremost, of course, is the need for regulation. But let’s not get too far ahead of ourselves…” and here he smiled. There was light—almost guilty—laughter in the room. “Second is the question of microbes. We know there are microbes. For where there are colonists there are microbes. Let us hope they have not given any blankets to the natives…” Loud guffaws followed, and extremely guilty ones at that, with covered mouths and shifty eyes looking at neighbors for direction.

“Yes, this is a concern also,” he carried on. “But even without intent, there are innumerable threats these so-called ‘colonists’ pose to the environment of the largest orbiting body of Sol’s third satellite. For instance, while many ‘scientists,’ and I use the term lightly, for they were of former eras where even speculation and philosophy could be called such, have been hung up on threats to life, we must look beyond that. Let me explain.

"You see, an ecosystem is a complex thing. So complex in fact, that no one really understands it. But,” he added quickly, “insofar as anyone does, I can tell you there is a high probability of soil contamination upon the object orbiting one of many other, larger, objects orbiting one of other yet larger objects that in turn are orbiting the Milky Way galaxy.

“I think, then, it is obvious what must be done. But for those of you who remain skeptical, I submit to you the following: In the few years since ‘colonization’ began, the temperature of the body in question has risen—albeit only in certain areas—by over one hundred degrees! At this rate, in one hundred years the temperature—albeit in these admittedly few areas—may be hotter than the surface of the sun! If this is allowed to occur, the resultant fireball may very well crash into the Earth and destroy us all!

“Surely something must be done! But what? Well, it is not within the realm of my expertise to say, but I think it should be obvious by now,” he paused for laughter, which he received, “that the only reasonable course of action—and action must be taken—is to immediately abandon all projects for further terraforming and resource-gathering upon the imperiled spheroid. And anyone who disagrees must be shouted down. We cannot allow such things to happen to our most precious commodities.

“Although,” he added wryly, “we know the type of people these loonies are, and we’d be better if they did burn themselves all up. Unfortunately, we are all in the same boat, figuratively speaking, of course. In the past people on tiny islands thought they could remain independent, but the European Union proved this false. For their own good, and for that of us all, we must bring their self-destructive ambitions under heel!”

Loud applause rocked the press room. Afterward, outside and overhead, a frown darkened the once bright face of Luna.