Snow White and the Red Queen

Snow White emerged from her sleep and let out a big yawn. A bluebird fluttered onto her shoulder.

"Hello, little one," she said, before quickly crushing it with her fist and walking over to the cauldron where her new friends the dwarves were boiling shoe leather.

"Ah! We'll be a feastin' ta' day, laddies," said the silver-bearded and bespectacled Doc upon seeing Snow with the bird.

"Aye. And some more o' that entertainment ta' night, I spect," the stocky, swarthy-skinned Lusty replied, giving her a slap on the butt. She yelped.

"Haven't eaten this good since 'fore the queen took all the harvest!" shouted Haughty. He was the youngest of the dwarves, with a small, neatly groomed black beard. "I heard tell she burned the better half of it. Said it was good for us!"

"Wicked bitch will get hers one day, I swear it by the nine moons!" cried the red-bearded Angry.

"Shh!" Doc pleaded, "Someone might hear." He looked around nervously. There was nothing but trees and more woodland animals.

They were joined for breakfast by the other dwarves, and after the feast they went to the mines.

Snow White joined them as she had every morning since first meeting them, when they sang, "Hi, ho! Hi, ho! It's off to work we go! Sweat in the sun--Then have some fun!"

All eight of them worked hard in the mines, pounding away at the rock and dragging out precious gems for the fatherland.

-------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

"Mirror, mirror, on the door," intoned the Red Queen, "who holds positions like the Moor?

"Snow White," the Mirror replied, a gleaming white smile like that of the Cheshire Cat twisted upon its face.

"She lives?" the queen ignored his impudence.

"Of course. Would you like to see where?"

"Yes! Show me."

"Very well." The light upon the mirror's surface twisted and contorted further--until it seemed to swallow itself up with its own smile. Then an image suddenly appeared. There was a high tower with a lone window. On the grass below was a handsome man sitting upon a horse. Sound emanated off the mirror, at first a squeaking, then a vibrating hum which gradually lowered in pitch. Soon human voices were audible.

"Rapunzel, Rapunzel, let down your hair!" cried the handsome man.

"I can't!" she shouted in reply.

"Why not?" he appeared perplexed.

"I cut it!" she answered.

"What? Why? What were you thinking?"

"It's the new fashion! All the rage in Frankfurt, I'm told."

"But it looks ugly!"

Suddenly the sounds and imagery vanished. The only thing still reflected in the mirror was the sharp-jawed emerald-eyed queen holding a heavy, red velvet backed chair over her head as she prepared to smash the mirror.

"My queen!" cried the mirror, "You don't need any more bad luck... and frankly, neither do I."

"Then tell me where Snow White is," the queen seethed, setting down the chair momentarily.

"Fine. But be warned... actually, there's nothing to warn you about; I've just always wanted to say that. She's working in a gem mine at 48 degrees latitude north, 37 degrees longitude east. Now pass the Windex, if you please. I think someone popped a zit on me while I was sleeping."

-------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

"Would you like an apple, dearie?" the old hag asked the plump young dwarf.

"Very much miss; please be givin' it ta' me."

"Not so fast. First you must do something for me."

"I'll do anythin' ya want, darlin'. Just ask."

"Alright, dearie, but it won't be easy..."

-------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

Gluttony the dwarf stood over the corpse of Snow White; he had strangled her to death. The other dwarves wouldn't be happy about this... but at least he would have his apple.

-----------------------------------------------------------------------------------

"Mirror, mirror, on the door," intoned the queen, "did he finally kill the whore?"

"Who?" asked the mirror.

"Snow White," the queen said angrily.

"Ah! Yes. She's dead as a doornail. Speaking of nails and doors, my back is killing me. Would you mind..."

"Mirror, mirror, on the door," intoned the queen.

"Stop that! You don't have to say a little rhyme every time, you know. Now what do you want to know?"

"Who holds positions like..."

"...the Moor. Yes, yes, it's the same every time. And every time I tell you it's not you, you get upset and threaten to break something in a temper tantrum. Usually me. Although in the end you'll just break some heads."

"And whose head shall I break?"

"The head of whomever you want."

She picked up the chair.

"...Or if you want a name..."

"I want a name."

"Doc."

"Who is 'Doc'?"

"A dwarf. Snow White taught him everything she knew about theory in the past few weeks. He learned very quickly... for a dwarf. Ugly little people. Disgusting." The mirror seemed lost in thought for a moment, then it said, "Listen, I've already passed the relevant information on to the head of the KB Toys, or whatever you call them, ask him for it. I've got some work to do forgetting the dance moves someone was trying in front of me earlier. Do you have any idea how many ugly people think they look good naked? Maybe it would be better if you just shattered me. Then again, there is the occasional attractive person..."

----------------------------------------------------------------------------------

The bespectacled silver-bearded dwarf opened the cottage door and peered out at the tall old hag. "Yes?" he asked.

She did not answer at first, but merely held up a fresh piece of produce.

"Looks mighty tasty," said the dwarf. "I don't suppose I could have a bite?"

Still, she did not answer. She brought the food--a carrot--to her mouth, taking a large bite, and then as she crunched away, said, "What's up, Doc?"

Doc never saw his long-time friend, Haughty, behind him. Nor did he see the pick-axe.

-------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

Returning from killing the last dwarf, for each dwarf had taught theory to another, and she had needed to make many trips because the mirror had not informed her there was another each time until she returned. Finally she simply had all ten thousand dwarves in the region killed. No dwarf, no problem.

"Are there any other threats I should know about?" she asked the mirror, more than a little irate.

"Not really..." he paused, then added, "...well, there is one, but it will be a couple years before you have to worry about that. And of course there is the inevitable collapse of this corrupt and economically incoherent system that is wicked in the eyes of the Lord, and your inexorable descent into hell. But other than that..."

She gave him the chair.