Icehawk was dumbfounded. "I went through all that just to feed your cats? What about my destiny?"
"Oh, that's clear enough," said the Seer, as she prodded the entrails on the altar with a grimy finger. "You must slay the princess, rescue the dragon, and—"
Icehawk found an expression beyond dumbfounded. "Excuse me?"
The Seer looked up. "What?"
"Don't you mean, 'slay the dragon, rescue the princess?'"
"If I'd meant that, I'd have said it. No, it's all right here." She turned back to the entrails. "Slay the princess, rescue the dragon, and—"
"Are you sure you're reading that right?"
"Read it yourself. Plain as day." The seer tapped the pancreas. "Slay the princess." She batted a cat away from the liver. "Rescue the dragon." She stirred the intestines with her finger. "And—" she stopped herself. “Oh dear.”
“What’s wrong?” Icehawk asked.
“Nothing wrong, my dear,” she had regained her composure. “It is good, in fact. Very very good indeed.”
“Yes?”
“You are the Chosen One.”
“The what?”
“The chosen one,” she brushed aside some greasy hair. “The One who is chosen.”
“I get that, what does it mean?”
“Satan has chosen you—“
“Don’t you mean God has chosen me?”
“You really are a slow one,” she snorted.
“I’m not sure I want to go through with this, maybe I’ll just go back to…”
“YOU CANNOT GO BACK!” she thundered. “Your path has been scattered to the winds and to the land of your birth you may never return! You must slay the princess, rescue the dragon, and persuade the king to end the oppression of his people.”
“Oh,” Icehawk was feeling better now, “that last one doesn’t sound so bad. What kind of oppression is it?” he searched her eyes. “Can’t be the dragon, can it?” he joked nervously. “And somehow I doubt slaying his daughter is going to make him particularly interested in what I have to say.”
“On the Ides of April you shall go to the Treasury,” she intoned, “and there you will find it filled with monies from the kingdom. Yet, as you shall find one year hence, the treasury will not be emptied, and there will yet be poverty in this kingdom.”
“Yes,” Icehawk replied, “that happens every year. I guess I’m not following you.”
“This wrong must be righted! We shall enter into a new age of prosperity and debt and useless-things-nobody-wants-but-getting-rid-of-them-will-destroy-our-economy-and-we-must-spend-more—ever more!—until-there-is-nothing-left-to-spend-and-so-we-must-raise-taxes-yet-again.”
“What?” Icehawk was more confused than ever. “I didn’t quite follow you there.”
The Seer sighed. “This is going to be more difficult than I thought. Oh. Wait just one moment. I think I have a copy left around here somewhere…” She rummaged around the dank room, kicking aside cats and tossing all manner of arcane instruments to the ground, often resulting in crashing or shattering and the arising stench of sulfur. “Ah! Here it is!” she said finally. “My book.” She handed him a dusty tome.
Receiving it with trepidation, Icehawk held it to a thin beam of sunlight penetrating the rotted temple. It was difficult to read the title. “It Takes…” he began, and then dusted off the obscured portion of the cover, before continuing, “…It Takes a Village: And Other Lessens Children Teach Us.”
“I only wish I had a copy of the audio version with me,” the Seer confessed, “I won a Grammy for that.”
“So you want me to read this?” Icehawk asked, disappointed. “I don’t suppose that was in the bird guts also?”
“You don’t have to read the whole thing,” she cackled, “that would be crazy. Just enough to be able to pretend that you read it when someone asks you about it.” She then added in a whimsical whisper, “Or to pretend you wrote it for that matter…”
“Very well,” Icehawk conceded, “I shall skim the book, but I am not killing the princess and it is doubtful that I will rescue the dragon.”
“You cannot avoid your destiny! On that note, I’ll not waste any more time trying to convince you. Until we meet anon! On the internet, I mean. Where I go by ‘SecState17,’ or ‘LizardLadyLove,’ also occasionally, ‘IHateMonica.’ Now, farewell, Icehawk. Hail Satan!”
“Um, Hail Satan. Yeah, I’ll get right on that.” He gave her a fist bump somewhat unenthusiastically. Then he thought, "Hmm, I kind of like doing that..."
A new legend
3 years ago
